Christmas means so many things to so many people. For some it’s a challenge to see just how much you can piss off your best mate with an awful present. For others it’s a time to delight in the failings of family members you’re not fond of. For most of us, it’s about getting a bit trashy. It’s not called the silly season for nothing. Whatever this time of year may mean to you, here are a few tips to get you through:
Kids aren’t that bright and they don’t form lasting memories until about 5 years of age. There’s really no need to spend any money at all on them from birth til about 4 years old. Get some photos of them opening an expensive gift from another family member that loves them dearly and claim that shit when they’re older. They will be none the wiser.
If you’re having a birthday party for your kid, be sure to greet all the guests at the door away from your child’s line of sight. When asked where to put the presents, put a couple of gifts that look like they could be worth a lot in your room. Bust these bad boys at Christmas time and claim that shit.
Buddy up with a mate that suffers from anxiety (or anyone with a prescription pad) and nab some valium. It may not be “recommended” by medical “professionals” to mix drugs and booze, but you can be pretty sure that it will not only make your intense uncle more bearable, his ridiculous ranting’s will be hilarious by lunchtime.
The Office Party
Your level of intoxication should be directly proportionate to the years spent working at the company. If you’re a newbie, a polite drink and a meal will suffice. By all means be merry, but just to be safe, plan a night out with some mates afterwards as a reason to bail early. If you’re an old hand and you’ve been working there a while, Irish up your morning coffee and make a day of your trashbaggery!
I would love to have been a fly on the wall when some crackpot came up with the idea of The Shopping Centre Santa.
You know what we should do? Get some crusty old bearded man to dress up in snow gear and hit up a mall in the middle of summer. The kids would love that shit!!
Of course kids are going to have an absolute meltdown. As an adult with a fully developed brain (questionable at times), I would have a real issue being pressured to cosy up to a strange old man, inappropriately dressed let alone being yelled at to smile! Parents, don’t be so hard on your kids. Let the photographers accurately capture your kids fear, then laugh at those photos for years to come.
From the team here at Parenting for Trashbags, Merry Festive Season!