Being pregnant is so much fun. Wanting to die rather than suffer just one more minute of nausea, relocating daily life to the toilet to minimize travel time, enduring searing temperatures and humidity of 2000% in maternity clothes. So much joy. Such a blessing.
But my absolute favourite thing about being pregnant, listening to what dumb ass people have to say. Most of them strangers too, which makes it so much more fun.
- Are you having twins?
I would suggest never asking a pregnant lady this question. Regardless of how huge she is, just don’t. And whatever you do, if she answers in the negative, don’t follow it up with, “are you sure?” At that point, do up your laces and run dumb ass.
- You’re pregnant! Let me share a labour/pregnancy horror story with you.
Why? Why would you do that? I have heard about prolapses, hemorrhages, a shattered pelvis, tearing, messed up placentas, all kinds of horrific things I really don’t want to hear about at all. Regale these tales to me after I have had the baby. Or never. It’s like talking to someone excited to go on an overseas trip and telling them about every horrific plane crash in history. Not cool. Talk about the weather.
- 2 kids under 2, your life is going to be hell.
When strangers see my psychotic toddler and my massive belly they launch themselves at me to offer unsolicited opinions on their thoughts about the age difference.
2 years is such a small gap. It will be hard work. Forget about sleeping. Your toddler will start playing up even more and demand more attention.
Generally, I don’t talk to strangers past polite chit chat about the weather or feigning interest about their cute kid playing in the playground. Opinions on parenting, particularly when those opinions are incredibly negative, completely unnecessary. I really don’t care what people think and the more tired I am, the harder it becomes to politely nod and not be rude. Fact is, I can’t undo this impending baby in my womb!! Move on and take your idiot advice elsewhere.
- Have you had the baby yet?
That time between the end of your third trimester and when you actually have the baby is an awful time of insomnia, impatience, extreme discomfort and anxiety. The very last thing you want to hear from anyone at all is whether or not you have had the baby. After many text messages I put together a generic reply along the lines of “Yes I have had the baby. I am hiding it in a box as I don’t want anyone to know about it. I have called it Boxy McBox Face.”
I know people get excited about the arrival of a new baby but I absolutely assure you that when that little bundle of joy decides to come in to the world, the happy parents will absolutely announce the news to all of their loved ones, screaming the news from the highest mountain, known as Facebook.
If you must get in touch with the mother to be, the only questions that are ok to ask are: “Are you well?” “ Do you need wine?” or “Can I get you a coffee?” That’s it!
- When are you having the next one?
After the birth of my first child, I was taken aback by how many people came to visit the wrinkly little human that has just been on the planet for a matter of days and ask me when I would do it all again. It’s like asking someone who has just been rescued from drowning if they want to go for a swim.
Just a heads up, I have informed my husband that if he wants a third child, it will be with a different woman. My womb has shut up shop. So don’t ask me.
People of the world, understand the hormonal, sleep deprived mess that is a pregnant woman and tread carefully. Treat the woman with kindness and love. And for the love of all that is holy, refrain from saying stupid shit to her. As you were.